I’ve never been this excited about starting a new job. I’m leaving the agency world and going to the product side. So, now I help streamline production processes that help other companies build and maintain their own sites. It’s rewarding and once again, I’m taking a position that will increase my technical skills.

I working with a group of smart, cool CALM professionals.  I prefer smaller, privately held companies because I feel more challenged and have a greater impact.

I negotiated my start date and have two blissful weeks vacation.  I’ve worked out three times in one week!

In our own way, this is our family tribute to eating healthy or just a funny song made up in the car.

She’s still here. There are photos of her like this one from my house warming party in 2005. (L-to-R: Stephanie, Summer, Joel and Joy (red scarf)) Today, Jennifer and I talked about her over lunch. How blessed we were to have someone so genuine, so graceful, so-not-of-this-world in our work place.

Part receptionist, therapist, nutritionist and healer, Joy Stevens changed the dynamic of a room when she entered. She was always doling out herbal remedies for our colds, fatigue or sore throats. She listened without looking over your shoulder when talking about kids, families, work stuff or date nights.

Radiant, playful and wise, she taught me how to get rid of the junk in my spiritual trunk.

Joy, I’m lighter yet stronger because of you. I’m inspired by you and grateful to call you, friend. Thank you.

>>From her family

>Our darling Sister, Joy has passed away Sunday morning, June 17th,
> >2007, at 2:20 AM, pacific time.
> >
> >She was free of pain, and her passing at home was peaceful and in
> >accord with Joy’s
> >wishes– no hospital, and no medications. Joy can now proceed on her
> >eternal spiritual journey. She bequeaths us all with the gifts of her
> >refined presence and kindness, which we have been inspired by.
> >
> >We have been with Joy during these last two weeks by her side.
> >It was a special time for us creating an atmosphere of safety, love,
> >comfort, and spiritual protection.
> >
> >We deeply appreciate the spiritual support we have received from so
> >many dear people, Thank you for your kindness– it has meant everything
>to us.
> >
> >Joy shared refinement, beauty, harmony, and inspiration with everyone.
> >Let us be inspired by her example. Remember how her presence brought
> >these qualities into each situation. Let these refined qualities be
> >activated within yourself. May you, yourself, now express these
>qualities in your own unique way.
> >
> >This reflects our darling sister….
> > RARE PEOPLE
> > There are rare people in this world who are so caring -
> > who’s natural instinct is to put someone eles’s need
> > head of their own…
> > There are rare people in this world who
> > offer encouragement when its needed;
> > who are always there to listen with a smile
> > and a loving open heart;
> > who never want and expect praise for their good
> > deeds because thats just the way they are.
> >
> > Joy was one of those rare people and how fortunate
> > we are to have her as our sister and your friend.
> >
> >Much love Fay & Helen - Ian Stevens Brother in NZ

1. Before meeting family for lunch at Orzo on W. 3rd, I straightened up my car for the valet. Like he’s going to whisper to my in-laws that I’m driving my purse, or something.
2. Double booking myself twice in one week. My personality is definitely splitting and so are brain cells.
3. Forgetting to pick up the kid. Fooled you… this has never happened. Not yet, anyway.
4. Leaving my purse at a restaurant. Thought the walk to the car felt unusually light after lunch.
5. My home is in chaos. The cleaning lady got a better job, the printer connected to the airport element doesn’t print, the dishwasher is ashy and we’re washing by hand and the ceiling fan in the bedroom just stopped working and the nights have been sweaty and sticky in all the not-so-great ways.

Will I take a break soon? Will my child defect to her friends’ more manicured homes? Will my husband just throw the dishes out the window one night instead of washing them?

Stay Tuned.

I’m a more productive writer when I’m wearing thong underwear. There’s something about sitting on a tight rope that makes me sit up and concentrate. I’ve heard writers speak about going to great lengths to create a cozy, warm safe environment. I picture them wearing 100 percent cotton sweats, fuzzy “lucky” socks that have never been washed and lighting some type of energy candle to clear the aura to get the words out. For me, ass-splitting anguish is most effective.Perhaps this is my Catholic upbringing calling me to martyrdom through lingerie. I’m bargaining with God here– pain and panties for productivity. Because the fabric juts into the skin, I can only sit for about two hours at a time without having to get up, go to the bathroom and relieve the pressure. I challenge myself to complete as much work as possible in this short amount of time then I reward myself by removing my panties for a 15 minute break.

Opening up about my ritual of self-flagellation “lite”, I fantasize about taking it on the road. The methodology is simple and could work for many athletes and executives. Baseball players are infamous for rituals. The Los Angeles Dodgers’ Nomar Garciapara teaches a new group of youngsters how Velcro works at every at bat. Think about how free he would feel from public scrutiny if he just walked up to the batter’s box, kicked the dirt a few times and hit the ball. No more touch the right arm band, tap plate with bat, open and chose bathing gloves, touch helmet with bat, make sign of the cross, kick feet back like cat covering poo in litter box, then repeat three times. I see myself convincing Garciapara.

“Nomi, dude, it makes perfect sense. The pressure of the thong up your butt crack takes your mind off of thinking too much about hitting the ball. Every time you’re at bat you crack one. Hey, that’s like, the perfect name. We could call it, ‘Bat Crack.’”

I collect a retainer for hush money, swearing that under no circumstances will I reveal our secret. Sort of like Barry Bonds’ personal trainer but without the illegal substance part. But when “People” features Nomar as one of the most intriguing people of the year, he jokes about his lucky underwear and then it happens. Calls come in from professional athletes all across the country. I launch a web site and a blog, Cracked Up. I dine at 5-star restaurants while showing off the latest packaging for Bat Crack. I hire a PR agent to deal with the barrage of questions left as voice mails.

“Are you tracking the success of batters who wear Nylon verses cotton?”
“Are you talking to MLB about a licensing deal?”
“You mention that this trend helps you to be more productive as a writer. What have you written since you started wearing Bat Crack?” Uh…

I’m sitting at Duke’s Restaurant overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Malibu, Calif. waiting on Dr. Phil’s producer. Seems they’re doing a show on underwear as outer confidence or something like that. I stare out at the horizon and think how cool it is that I might be on Dr. Phil. My mom will email all her friends in her Catholic choir and then 60-year-old women with my branded underwear will be singing “I will raise you up on Eagle’s wings” and get a certain twinkle in their eye with the words ‘raise you up.’ Maybe they’ll leave a few behind for the priests or I could design a specialty line for them: The Temptation Tickle with feather trim, Supple Sinner in velvet- that might rub too many people the right way though.

First athletes, then church-leaders and perhaps next, the politicians. “Nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come.” I know Victor Hugo was probably talking about the French Revolution but what if I took Bat Crack and made it biodegradable? Al Gore would love that. How about cooler-packed thongs worn just before debates to keep candidates alert or medicated ones for those days when they’re taking it in the ass in the polls?

I could go on and on but, ouch, wow, time for me to take a well-deserved break.

Photo Credit: We can thank Gabrielle for this tacky thong image and the sad news that thongs are going out of style.

1. Layoffs
After surviving several rounds of “letting people go,” I’m one of the few people left at my agency. The creative director is freelancing from home and the only IT guy just accepted another job.

2. People Looking at Our Office Space
In the middle of conference calls in my office, the HR guy walks by showing clients our office space.

3. There’s No More Water
Literally, the water cooler bottles are empty and are not going to be refilled. We were all parched for days before we realized this.

Another parent to make us crazy working folk look like stay-at-home moms having a corner bake sale on Saturday morning.

Admit it- you’ve said things to your kid that you’re not proud of perhaps things that haunted you for weeks. But, would you leave it on a voice mail? Come on. This divorce and its residual tremors in the public eye make a broken lamp thrown on the floor or an angry, random f*bomb dropped in traffic on the 405 look like a play date.

Once I told my child after reading several Madeleine books, that I would sell her to the gypsies in those books if she talked back to me again. Although no one was around to record my statement, she would play it back for me every time she sensed a misstep.

(clothes on floor)

Me: Claire, pick up those clothes right now or else the dog will eat your underwear again.

C: (panicked) Mom, I’ll do it right now just don’t sell my to the gypsies!

God, it took forever for me to live that one down. Imagine how long it will take for Alec. The thing is, there are always two sides to every story but it doesn’t really matter. By leaving that heart-breaking voice mail, he’s forfeited his side.

Photo Credit: Alec does his share of time for good causes and this one is cool– LivnOutLoud makes T’s with positive messages.

Throw Out the List!
Watching my friends list characteristics of what they want in a mate makes me laugh because I did the same thing. According to scientists in “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell researching speed dating, men and women who approach the evening with a list end up completely discounting it at the end of the evening if they feel a real connection with someone.

Because of my Catholic upbringing and my parents’ tight marriage, I wrote on my list that I wanted to marry a Christian man. I married a Jewish man instead (what a great kisser and BIG BONUS- no guilt attached to sex!) There are professors married to high school drop-outs, rock stars married to librarians and so many marriages between different cultures that I’m sure as some point the global population will be the color of a Chai latte.

Here’s the Secret
Guys, stop dating women because you’re friends will think they’re hot. Girls, who cares if your guy drives a Honda. If your mates score high on the DACS SCALE then get ready for an honest-to-God happy relationship.

• Dependibility. When you cut your hand slicing a bagel will your mate drop what he or she is doing and get you the emergency room or do you have to call your Mom?
• Affability. Can you take said partner to a work-related event and trust him or her not to brood in the corner?
• Compatibility. The real test of love is taking out the trash, doing the dishes and sharing childcare duties. If you’re doing everything now, you’re going to be doing MORE once you’re married. Compatible libidos are critical, too!
• Stability. Consistent employment, friends who speak well on your partner’s behalf and a loving familial structure in childhood help ensure that said loved one is not going to bail on you during the rough patches.

Next time you’re choosing between a handsome dependable guy or girl and the hottie from the office down the hall, rate your date after a month or so using this scale and it could save you a lot of time. I’m not saying you can’t have both– I’ve got a hottie hubbie who scores high on DACS.

Get one and get happy.

Although the “hand written” notes from fans at the newly redesigned Britney Spears site make me want to yank out her belly button ring with pliers, she’s one of my favorite parents.

Anyone who drives with her baby on her lap like he’s a chihuahua, shaves her head with tears streaming down her face and then walks into a tattoo parlor and enters rehab days later, makes me feel like Parent of the Year.

Parent Poster Child

Light a candle and hope that rehab rubs the wrong way.

Lisa Nowak, arrested on Feb. 5 disappeared from the headlines fast and she has Anna Nicole to thank! If Anna Nicole hadn’t mysteriously slipped into the pink celebrity netherworld stalked by ET, Nowak would have been the tabloid pin cushion.

Nowak’s backstory is sweet. She’s a gourmet cook and does crossword puzzles. She married her college sweetheart- she has a son and twin girls. TWINS! She worked full time and represented the U.S. elite as an astronaut.

Then, a bit of the bad girl started to surface in the last couple years. What a relief. Perfection is SO annoying. While I certainly do not condone attempted murder, you gotta admit this woman is driven. When she makes up her mind to do something- DAMN. I know that carrying a knife, rope and Mace while wearing Depends is not rational, but I say we all give this woman a break.

It doesn’t matter if you’re 14 or 40 when you fall for someone and they don’t choose you, it hurts.

>>Interesting Take on Nowak and Reverse Discrimination in the Media