Throw Out the List!
Watching my friends list characteristics of what they want in a mate makes me laugh because I did the same thing. According to scientists in “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell researching speed dating, men and women who approach the evening with a list end up completely discounting it at the end of the evening if they feel a real connection with someone.

Because of my Catholic upbringing and my parents’ tight marriage, I wrote on my list that I wanted to marry a Christian man. I married a Jewish man instead (what a great kisser and BIG BONUS- no guilt attached to sex!) There are professors married to high school drop-outs, rock stars married to librarians and so many marriages between different cultures that I’m sure as some point the global population will be the color of a Chai latte.

Here’s the Secret
Guys, stop dating women because you’re friends will think they’re hot. Girls, who cares if your guy drives a Honda. If your mates score high on the DACS SCALE then get ready for an honest-to-God happy relationship.

• Dependibility. When you cut your hand slicing a bagel will your mate drop what he or she is doing and get you the emergency room or do you have to call your Mom?
• Affability. Can you take said partner to a work-related event and trust him or her not to brood in the corner?
• Compatibility. The real test of love is taking out the trash, doing the dishes and sharing childcare duties. If you’re doing everything now, you’re going to be doing MORE once you’re married. Compatible libidos are critical, too!
• Stability. Consistent employment, friends who speak well on your partner’s behalf and a loving familial structure in childhood help ensure that said loved one is not going to bail on you during the rough patches.

Next time you’re choosing between a handsome dependable guy or girl and the hottie from the office down the hall, rate your date after a month or so using this scale and it could save you a lot of time. I’m not saying you can’t have both– I’ve got a hottie hubbie who scores high on DACS.

Get one and get happy.

During my marriage, I honestly remember saying on several occasions that I saw divorced people as walking failures, that they just didn�t try hard enough. Oh baby, the hypocritical t-shirt was really tight on me for a long time.

My Parents Made it Work, So Should I
My military parents had been through hard times and they made their marriage work so I always thought that was somehow in the genes. We all saw “Top Gun.” When things get tough, you don�t leave your wing man. My parents married before my father completed a tour in Vietnam. Later on, he was stationed in Korea for a year and Mom was home with three kids with no babysitter and no family to help her. They made it though brain surgeries, financial strain, and breast cancer. I see them both as my heroes. They’ve been married now for over 40 years.

The Decision
I was married for close to 7 years when I filed for divorce. My daughter was just over two. The marriage counseling had come and gone several times and the same issues still played out daily, weekly. I was fickle on filing– one day I wanted to do it, the next I wanted everything to work out. It took a long time. My hair fell out in chunks!

Now, I’m so grateful for this time because I learned how I wanted to be treated in a relationship and I chose a path that enabled me to model a loving marriage for my daughter.

Still, There was Fallout
I said a lot of stupid stuff to friends who told me they were getting a divorce. “What will you do with the ring?” Doh. Now it was my turn. People just didn’t know what to say– it was awkward. They didn’t want to be around me. I felt they didn’t want to catch divorce fever and have it come into their home. This was hard because divorcing peeps really do not need to be alone for long periods of time.

How to be a Good Friend to Someone Who’s Divorcing

• Listen to the same story at least three times.
• Do not call your friend’s spouse names ’cause who knows, they could reconcile.
• Leave voice mails, send IMs, emails and flowers/plants. One of the hardest things to get used to is the silence, the empty space that’s suddenly there after a separation.
• Invite them over for dinner and to weekend events out of their home.
• Please be kind to seems-so-sudden boyfriends or girlfriends.
• Remind friend that this painful period of time is temporary- it will get better.

I believe in divorce. The irony is that I believe in marriage more now because I went through it.